I woke up at 6:30AM after having slept 5 hours, feeling refreshed. I put myself at the desk and work flowed endlessly. Finally, at 2pm I decided it was time for a break, so I went to the gym of a yoga-ish session with the teacher I like. It was great, again in savasana great feelings of oneness. I came back home expecting to fall exhausted after lunch, but instead I put myself to work until I felt my attention lagging. I had a bit of trouble falling asleep, but it eventually came.
I’ve been working on the tutorial, which in the past days has presented a lot of resistance, but now I’m enjoying more than ever. I’m applying my full creativity, going well beyond my duty (perhaps even spending too much time on it). But it’s stellar, I’m really satisfied with the result. I think I’ve detached from observance of my mood, now more than ever it’s obvious I’m not in control over it, so I accept whatever emotional state God provides and my only duty is to work through the things appropriate for my state.
Throughout these work logs I’ve noticed a pattern: in states of mania I hallucinate visually before falling asleep, and in states of depression I hallucinate verbally (I hear voices). I’m almost certain now that I’d be diagnosed with hypomania disorder, which is a more mild form of bipolar disorder. I just shrug at the concept, to me it’s a way of experiencing the world in its full contrast, shadows and light. When I meet happy people I can relate to their experience, and when I meet depressed people I can relate too. I sometimes wish I had better advice than simply “accept yourself as you are, unconditionally”, but that’s the only thing I’ve learned dealing with it. And also: do things appropriate for your station. I’ll leave for a social event now.