Sleeplessness

Yesterday is the first day I’ve taken off in a month. But then I didn’t sleep most of the night, because today I was moving to a new house and I had to pack and clean up before the René arrived. Since I was moving to the new place until the evening, I was homeless from the morning to the evening, so I had to work through my sleep deficit.

The last time I’ve done something like this was in in college, so it was throughly interesting to observe. I chose tasks that are less demanding to account for my sleep deficit, even then I would find myself staring at the screen mindlessly. I usually have the presence to know what I’m thinking when I catch myself doing this, but this time it was a blackbox.

Certainly my mind was complaining jeez I’m tired, but this time I could not see myself tired, I was tiredness itself! So there’s no observer who can assess the state. In fact, I find great difficulty writing these things down, I re-read what I write and I don’t know if I don’t understand it because I don’t make sense, or because I’m too tired to understand what I’ve just written. Probably both. I should call it a day, but I will allow for my fingers to continue writing and I shall make no effort to understand what I’ve just wrote.

I created a couple of stages and saw that, again, my solution can’t accommodate for all possibilities, and I played in my mind with an idea of how to solve it, but in this state the creative mind is not to be trusted. It’s not that the idea was wrong, but that the mind is not sharp enough to see the constraints of the problem. Actually, I’ll recant that and write: the creative mind can be trusted in a state of sleeplessness, but wether the solution is practical or wise, I don’t know.

Oh dear, I see my thoughts mangle in my head before my fingers can write them down. This is losing a whole lot of capacity for attention and awareness. I’ll go to bed now.