For the first time since stopped journaling privately, I’ve sorely missed sitting down for a break and registering my stream of consciousness on a notebook. There’s nothing exceedingly private going on in my life, so I might as well do it on my work log.
I’m currently cleaning up René’s home, as he’ll be back from Mexico in three hours and I’m moving in to a new house. I’ll be moving in for ten days with a friend whom I met through MeetUp. Should my bike wouldn’t have broken down I wouldn’t have reached out to her (not having a bicycle makes it a hassle to move from my alternative dwelling). She has a spare bedroom and we both found it uncomfortable discussing money, so I brought up the arrangement I have with René (work for accommodation) and she loved the idea. She has an internet business idea and there’s plenty of ways in which we can collaborate.
As the last time I moved, I’m also having inner protests from having to change dwellings. Moving every couple of weeks is difficult, when you begin settling in it’s time to move again. The idea of spending a couple of months in Mexico is increasingly attractive, but I want to hold it off until I begin walking. This yearning may be ameliorated by the consistency of the camino. It’s easier to become accustomed to sleep in a different place every night rather than every couple of weeks.
A thought is coming up time and time again: there is a need to have consistency between creative work and your personal life. The same principles applied to creative work ought to be applied to life. Changing homes is a bit like changing operating systems, the libraries, supermarkets, placement of things is all different, and it takes time getting used to it.
Today they called from the bike shop, asking why I hadn’t picked up my bike. I lied and said that I would go pick it up in the evening, but truth be told I’m bailing on it, at this point I can’t pay 30 euros and then have to dispose of it. Listing the ameliorating factors is justifying the decision to myself, I knew I was doing wrong from the moment I lied. It causes a lot of inner friction as this violates a long held honesty in creative work and in life principle.
The temptation to grease the friction with excuses is huge, but I simply notice: the principle is correct, and this is why it causes pain. Should I live in different circumstances, I would uphold the principle. Thus, the correct thing to do is to seek circumstances which allow me to uphold my principles. Upholding principles at any personal cost can be both admirable and foolish. The fact that principles become compromised in situations of scarcity is duly noted.
I’ve moved in to my new home. I went shopping for supplies and put things in their place. I felt agitated. I meditated a long time. Meditating in a state of agitation is difficult, so I laid down. I skated along the edge of sleep and waking states. I heard the voice of the guy from the bike store call me again. I saw myself as a fat lazy slob. I woke up second guessing my call on the bike. 30 euros is nothing compared to upholding principles. Yet there is inner conflict. I will allow some more time to pass to see how I feel. It’s too late to pick it up today anyways.
I’m waiting for my roommate to arrive from work, as I haven’t seen her yet. I had keys and checked myself in.
I had a pleasant dinner with my new roommate. I came to a more calm state through her own calmness. My intention was to work, but by the time we were done with dinner it was time for bed. I’ll have to catch up tomorrow.